Vernisms

Vern Styron is admired for his deadpan delivery of figures of speech, observations and advice, that leaves the listener amused and enlightened and, often, backhandedly complimented or vaguely insulted. Here’s a sampling:

Might have had an Einstein
The house where the six Styron kids were raised in Granby, Missouri, was just east of the site of a lead smelter that had been active in the early part of the 20th century.  The EPA had determined that most of Granby downwind from the smelter was contaminated with extremely high levels of lead, including the soil in most of the lawns. The EPA had funded the removal of the topsoil from the lawns, replacing it with presumably clean dirt, because lead poisoning causes a variety of problems, including mental retardation.

Interviewed by the Springfield News-Leader in 2003, Vern told the reporter that despite the contamination, he had raised six healthy kids on that spot, all college graduates and healthy. “But for the lead,” he said, “I might have had an Einstein.”

Jill-Flirted
Jill-Flirted - an adjective for something that is goobered up beyond hope, or fatally flawed, like a badly-cast pipe fitting.

At Least Partially
He once told me, when I was complaining, “Do not discount the possibility, however remote, that you might, in some small way, be at least partially at fault.”

Town Management
The Rotarians [or Shriners] own the town, the Lions run the town and the Jaycees enjoy the town.

Improve Your Cash Position
Some Vernisms are bits of advice he’s picked up from others and continues to pass on.  Having lived next door to Vern (Dad, Granddad) for many years now, and having purchased a business from him and Pat (Mom, Granny), I’ve had many occasions to hear words of wisdom relative to business.  He repeats them, a sign of age for him, a fortunate break for me; I’m a slow learner.  

One quote I’ve heard many times seems appropriate to share in these days of economic madness. “When I used to ask Hogan (Nina Hogan, then owner/banker of Citizens State Bank in Granby) for financial advice,” Vern says, “Hogan answered every time, Improve your cash position.”

Over the past ten years, Beth and I have done exactly that, saving aggressively and paying off all debt. We will never know the opportunity costs of having taken Hogan’s and Vern’s advice, but we feel a little safer today with debts paid and money in the bank.

Contracts—Never Finished
“Richard Camerer used to say,” Vern has told me many times when conversation called for it (and I’m paraphrasing), “I write a better contract with every job, but you can never seem to close all the holes.”

Vern usually goes on to tell the story of how Claude Poe contracted with Camerer to build him a house. Poe stipulated that he wanted nothing but the best in this house, including only top grade lumber. Camerer bought only #1 grade lumber for the house, but along the way, Poe discovered something called “Select” grade lumber.

An argument ensued.  “I told you I would accept nothing but the best,” Poe said to Camerer.  I don’t know how the dispute came out, but I suspect Camerer’s next contract closed one more hole.

Remember, Somebody Shot Lincoln
Telling me stories of an auto meander (their favorite kind of trip) through the Land of Lincoln, Vern described how Pat kept pining for national leadership like we had “back then.”  “Why can’t we have a president like Lincoln?”  Vern replied, “Yeah, well, remember, somebody shot him.

Free High Speed Inter—what?!
Another driving trip — this one to see an old Army buddy on his last legs in a convalescent home in Arizona (a big surprise was to find a former Granby couple in the room across the hall).  On the trip, Granddad Vern kept seeing signs at motels: “Free High Speed Internet.”  

In classic Vern-ish wordplay, he kept saying to Granny Pat, “Look, Free High Speed Intercourse.”  When they stopped for the evening at one of these places with the sign , Granddad Vern told Granny Pat—with a smirk, I’m sure—that he was going in to “check it out.” He was back in only a few short minutes.  “Wow,” exclaimed Granny, “That was fast!”